Not a Success Story

A rare post from Ryan:

It is hard for me to write this because it is not a success story, and I am just going to be real with where I am at in this journey I am on. I feel I am in the midst of a season of waiting on God for what is next and trying to find God in the middle of what seems like a dark desert.

Life for me since leaving the US has been filled with ups and downs. I have been at the highs of being at missions training and seeing all the other passionate physicians and spouses preparing for service overseas and the excitement of finally going and getting to language school. However, that has also been contrasted with the uncertainty of my specific roll in Vanga, DRC and the unknown of having never been and experienced this place where I am going with my family for 2 years. Also, leaving so many things behind has been very hard.  I have left close deep friendships in St. Louis, a great job at a highly respected medical research laboratory, and leadership positions within the teen and young adults ministry at our church where I was respected and found great fulfillment.

With all these losses and uncertainties, I have to remind myself of the call I know I have been given by God to take a step of faith into the unknown and trust he will provide for all that I have left behind, but I am certainly challenged weekly with doubts, fears, and second guessing.

Within those challenges I find myself at present facing another new challenge of learning a language and the French culture which can provide its own form of discouragement. This is especially true for me. I feel gifted in subjects of math and science, but know I struggle in subjects like languages. Yet, God has put me here to learn a language and that for me comes with feelings of incompetence at times as I struggle to learn compared to Shannon and some of the other students. It’s this comparison though, that I have to fight against because I can truly sense that God is working on my heart in all of this, and I know he wants me to I give up my idols of wanting to be competent, successful, and well respected. Although for me right now, I am not sure how that process is working itself out in my life and what else God is up to.

The one truth that I do hold on to closely in times of uncertainty like these is Ps 119:105 “Your word is a lamp for my feet and a light for my path”.  For me the image of a lamp is something that may not provide enough light to see far down the path, but it provides enough light for my next step. I think that is what faith is all about, being willing to take the next step God has given you although you are uncertain where that next step may take you.