Not a Success Story

A rare post from Ryan:

It is hard for me to write this because it is not a success story, and I am just going to be real with where I am at in this journey I am on. I feel I am in the midst of a season of waiting on God for what is next and trying to find God in the middle of what seems like a dark desert.

Life for me since leaving the US has been filled with ups and downs. I have been at the highs of being at missions training and seeing all the other passionate physicians and spouses preparing for service overseas and the excitement of finally going and getting to language school. However, that has also been contrasted with the uncertainty of my specific roll in Vanga, DRC and the unknown of having never been and experienced this place where I am going with my family for 2 years. Also, leaving so many things behind has been very hard.  I have left close deep friendships in St. Louis, a great job at a highly respected medical research laboratory, and leadership positions within the teen and young adults ministry at our church where I was respected and found great fulfillment.

With all these losses and uncertainties, I have to remind myself of the call I know I have been given by God to take a step of faith into the unknown and trust he will provide for all that I have left behind, but I am certainly challenged weekly with doubts, fears, and second guessing.

Within those challenges I find myself at present facing another new challenge of learning a language and the French culture which can provide its own form of discouragement. This is especially true for me. I feel gifted in subjects of math and science, but know I struggle in subjects like languages. Yet, God has put me here to learn a language and that for me comes with feelings of incompetence at times as I struggle to learn compared to Shannon and some of the other students. It’s this comparison though, that I have to fight against because I can truly sense that God is working on my heart in all of this, and I know he wants me to I give up my idols of wanting to be competent, successful, and well respected. Although for me right now, I am not sure how that process is working itself out in my life and what else God is up to.

The one truth that I do hold on to closely in times of uncertainty like these is Ps 119:105 “Your word is a lamp for my feet and a light for my path”.  For me the image of a lamp is something that may not provide enough light to see far down the path, but it provides enough light for my next step. I think that is what faith is all about, being willing to take the next step God has given you although you are uncertain where that next step may take you.

Skiing, Depression, and the French Alps Crash

This blog itself is bipolar. Get ready for superficial, then really deep. Just a warning...

One of our older language partners named Guy invited us to spend the day speaking French with him on the ski slopes on Saturday. This was only after we assured him that we could easily ski difficult terrain (blue/black- in France they have red trails)! I knew he enjoyed skiing when he was younger, reflecting on multiple conversations with him, but it didn't even occur to me that he might continue his ski adventures even now. But at the ripe old age of 79, he gets to ski for free!  He treated us to a wonderful day. Just 30 minutes away by car, we hopped on a gondola for a 40 minute ride up over 2600 feet to a ski resort. This wasn't just any ski resort; it was 3 Valleys, the largest ski resort in the world! And also the site of downhill skiing for the Albertville Olympics in 1992. And the site of the World Cup Finals held last weekend in downhill skiing.

The sun was out with hardly a cloud in the sky when we began. Guy joked that he had telephoned his request in to God for good weather and only hoped that someone else hadn't beat him to it (like farmers who need the rain, for instance.)

We only did the middle one of the valleys as the resort is immense and impossible to ski in one day. There are 2 glaciers that can be seen from the top of one of the peaks. In just our valley there were 3 summits. We were able to peek over to the other 2 valleys on either side of our resort during our time there.

At one side of the valley, looking at the summit on the other side (the two prominent rocks without snow)

It was breathtaking, with jagged tooth-like rocks jutting out of the summits. The ski trails meandered around the giant jutting rock formations, so we never felt in danger of falling on/off the rocks.

Disregard my closed eyes, but just look how massive those rocks are compared to the gondolas bringing people up!! They are the same two rocks seen at the summit on the picture just before this one.

Even if it took 3 lifts (chairs, poles between the legs, and gondolas) to get to the summits, the trails down were non-stop skiing all the way to the bottom with a view of the entire valley almost all the way back to Albertville!! It was an incredible day, and one where I hardly spoke a word of English.

I’d like to completely switch gears now and speak about the tragedy which occurred here in the Alps just this week and my reflections on it during our time skiing. It is full of analogy, but stick with me for a bit.

As we were descending down the valley, the sun which had shown so brilliantly that morning was hidden by clouds. In an instant, our sunshine was gone. It made me think of the recent events of the suicide plane crash just about 75 miles as the crow flies in the same Alps to the south. It seems to me that sunshine in the mountains is like the mysteriousness of depression which can come and go without much warning. A depressing thought or fear can come in, and if it invokes a chemical response (adrenaline, dopamine), it can affect a person without him or her even consciously thinking about it anymore. If not dealt with consciously (or if the situation goes unresolved), it can wreak havoc on the emotions and mood by running unconsciously in the background. Equilibrium is off.

I’m not a stranger to the effects of depression. Depression and mental illness (including suicide) have touched both Ryan and my extended families. Fellow missionaries struggle with it. I do know it is very hard to talk about; it’s embarrassing. It is not like having an illness like diabetes where there is a known cause. With mental illness, what part is a result of unfortunate past experiences? What part is a result of unresolved conflict? What part is a spiritual battle? What part is a genetic predisposition or a chemical imbalance? What part can be treated with medication, what part resolves with counseling, what resolves with prayer, what will resolve only when God redeems our broken world? Adversity is so much easier to deal with than uncertainty. Mental illness is the epitome of uncertainty.

Now back to the Alps and our lack of sun. I lamented to Guy that in the mountains, the sun comes and goes quickly. You can’t predict it easily. It just comes and goes without warning. He responded, “Oh but the sun hasn't moved. It is the clouds.” By analogy, God doesn't move either. We can hide in the shade, or clouds can blow in which are out of our control, but God is still there. We don’t need to berate ourselves and assume that, once again, we have sinned and He is displeased. Although we may move into the shade (by sinning) plenty of times, often it is clouds that blow in (out of our control- uncertainty) that block our direct view of God. We can rest in the knowledge that God is always there, even if we can’t see Him. He is our hope.

Progression in French

"Most adults do not know how to handle the humiliation of learning a new language, of having people give them confused stares, just outright laughing at them, or becoming angry because you're in their country and can't speak the language. Many people in my language school suffered from loss of identity and inferiority. These were well-educated people who had been successful in their occupations back home. Now they were learning language full-time and couldn't understand why they were having such a hard time. Being smart does not guarantee that you will find learning language easy." 

The above quote was taken from a blog about things that missionaries wished that they had known before they started. We have found this to be very true. Here is an update on our progress in French and what we are doing regularly to improve and learn! It is definitely a process.

We finished our 2nd trimester of 3 on March 13. As a part of this trimester, Ryan and I both have spoken in front of our student body of about 60 people. Ryan shared about his struggle with his ability to be efficient and earn a lot of money in the US as en engineer (with his identity being a good job) vs. venturing into an unknown job description in the middle of Africa where we ask for monetary donations and he no longer can be "efficient" (with his identity being a son of God). For my presentation, I shared about my passion for fistula patients and how important it is to look at the horizon and keep moving, trusting that God will direct individual steps. I shared one of my favorite verses: Isaiah 30:21 "Your ears will hear a voice behind you saying: this is the way, walk in it."

We have been able to go skiing as a school field trip as well as several weekends. It is not only gorgeous, but it is also a wonderful time to be immersed in the French language reading signs and speaking with other skiers on the lifts or asking for directions.

I try to go to the open markets for vegetables and fruit on a weekly or twice-weekly basis. I am playing mandolin every other week for praise and worship on Friday mornings at the school. Recently I was able to go to a French movie with some other ladies and I understood most of it!

I continue to participate in the leisure volleyball club, and Ryan has been able to play with the soccer club once more (the first time since his injury on Dec 6!). 

We try to get together for a couple of hours each week with our language partner(s) and just recently we started a medical journal club in French to discuss and learn medical terminology with one of the French doctors. 

Sydney is enjoying the interaction with other children at the school in the sandbox or riding the scooter, chasing the kitty, or playing with the balls. She just recently started going to the nursery half-time. They only speak in French to the kids, so I think this will not only be a great time of interaction with other kids during the morning, but also a good time to continue learning French.

The importance of rest

The month of March has flown by without much rest or time for reflection. It started with a week of studying hard for our week of exams. We had visitors from Friday-Monday 2 weekends in a row. Last week I had a non-stop Wednesday (normally a more relaxed day off) and then Saturday we skied all day with a language partner from church at his invitation for the last day of good skiing. Sunday night I was up late with a weekend exam. Monday, Sydney started going to the nursery half-time (meaning a change to our morning routine), our class shared a meal on Monday at noon, and then I stayed up late Monday night to prepare a devotion for class on Tuesday. Those are the details, but in essence, I had only taken 1 day of genuine rest in the past 4 weeks. And when standing in front of my class on Tuesday, dog-tired, my brain was simply a fog trying to formulate some spontaneous French conversation. Ironically, my devotion was on discouragement and dissatisfaction in full-time missions. I finally just opened the discussion up to the class because I had nothing left. I found myself discouraged about my progress in French and dissatisfied.

The devotion actually turned out well, thanks to my classmates who made it a great discussion. We talked about our expectations vs the reality and how this relates to discouragement and level of contentment. As I walked back to our house that evening, I just collapsed on the couch. I hadn't been this tired since residency ended. I glanced down at my phone and realized that I had a message from my teacher. It brought tears to my eyes. She expressed her concern for me and asked if she could do anything to help. In the busyness of all she has on her plate, she stopped to encourage me.

This lesson I am learning (in the process of, not past tense) is hard for me because I like to do everything. But as God mentions in the Bible multiple times, it is important to take a day of rest, to reflect on the goodness of God. It is important also to have time to not only keep up with today, but to look to the future and plan ahead. Many times I do just enough to get through today. This is a great survival tactic in residency and probably also on the mission field; however, if possible, it is far better to say no to some things and to spend time reflecting on what has happened and look and plan and dream of the future.

I took the advice of my teacher and relaxed that evening, slept in the next morning while Ryan took care of Sydney, and caught up on laundry and grocery shopping on our Wednesday off. Not surprisingly, my grumpy tired apathetic self has been renewed by this day of rest. Conflict and difficulties and French all look a little more manageable. And I hope to continue learning the lesson of the importance of rest as I look to the great amount of work we have to do in preparation of our move to Congo and, ultimately, the workload ahead of me as the only OB/GYN at Vanga. 

A wide open door

L to R: Ashley, Anna, Michelle, and me. We are all moving to Congo this spring/summer.

Friday, 4 of us from school and a language partner of Anna and Ashley (in pic above) walked to the train station to meet Michelle, a friend (also with Samaritan’s Purse and an OB/GYN) coming from her language school in Switzerland. On the way back, because the streets are narrow, I ended up walking only with the language partner. She asked me what things are different between the US and France. Among other things, I mentioned the rather closed and guarded lives and conversations of the French vs the openness of Americans (in general). For instance, it is VERY uncommon to speak about religion or politics in France with friends or with strangers. They also would not talk about their jobs or money unless they are with very close friends. They will talk all day about food. With food as good as it is here, I can understand their obsession with food. But matters of importance, close to their hearts, they guard. Their windows are closed, their privacy fences are closed. When a person is trusted, THEN will the French invite him or her to tea and then perhaps dinner. Many Americans, on the other hand, love to debate controversial subjects, keep the windows open, discuss their jobs and money, and neither religion nor politics is off limits among friends (even if tempered). 

We continued walking, lagging further and further behind the others on the 15 minute walk from the train station. The language partner agreed with my observation and said that she was unable to discuss politics with even her brother. “One day if I talk about politics, the next day we won’t be friends anymore,” she said. Seeing a small opening in this discussion of differences, I assured her, “You can talk to most Americans about anything. So feel free to ask questions about religion or politics or anything to your American friends here. We like to share what we are passionate about.” She responded that she was glad to know that information. “And what if I say that religion is not important to me?” I assured her, “You are still my friend. It doesn't matter what you think or say or if we disagree, we can still be friends.” She seemed to be mulling it over. “Yes I like to meet many people around the city. It doesn't matter to me what they believe.” 

OK, wide open door. I took a deep breath and willed my bumbling elementary French to be able to convey the right message. “For instance,” I began, “for me, Jesus is everything. He is my friend. He died for me. He is a true friend. He was innocent, but he died. Because he was innocent, he could pay for me and what I do wrong. When God looks at me, He does not see my sin, but He sees Jesus. Jesus will say in the end, ‘I bought her. She is my friend.’ That is why Jesus is the most important in my life.“ The language partner seemed to be taking it in. She then asked, “So what are going to do for them in Africa? What is it that you hope for?” I was very glad that she was still asking questions because it showed a genuine curiosity and not distain for the subject. I spoke about the women with childbirth injuries and the sick in Africa, and I added that we want to give them hope in something bigger than their circumstances, a friendship with Jesus, the God of the world. « Jésus est amour. Le amour de Dieu est la plus importante. »  

And with that, we were standing in the driveway at the school and parted ways. It is my hope and prayer that this language partner will ask questions of Anna and Ashley (pictured above) when she meets with them and will continue this very important discussion. It was very exciting to me for this was my first time speaking with someone about Jesus in a foreign language. It was elementary, but hopefully it was a start, and I am thankful that I had the open door in this mostly closed culture in France.