Deserving

Ever had a bad day in church with your kid/children? And then thought about just skipping church because it was such a hassle? This particular Sunday's trials taught me a lesson.

 We love our church, but it is crowded and there is no space for a nursery until they move into a new space in the spring. Thus, most of the children go to local houses for teaching applicable to their ages and those of us with babies try to entertain them on our laps. Or maybe one of the parents stays home with them? I'm really not sure, and it could have to do with the language barrier. Anyway, Sydney is now 14.5 months, very busy, mobile, curious, and sometimes loud. We have been trying to have her sleep during the sermon, so during the prayer and singing times, she is awake. Now when I said crowded, let me explain. Our knees sometimes are touching the seats in front of us, and our chairs are hooked together to our neighbors'. There is almost no floor space for a one year old to walk between us or play. We have kept a box that she can sit in, but she has not been interested in staying in the box. It seems that we are the only ones with a baby, and it can be very frustrating.

The Sunday I'm referring to was particularly discouraging as a mom. Sydney was being herself, but not particularly louder or more curious than normal. She touched the people in front of her as she moved past, but that is understandable given that our knees nearly touch the seats in front of us. Just after one of the worship songs, someone in front of me turned around and indicated that I should take Sydney to the back. I was shocked. There is no back, really. There is a door to the outside where it is now cold, a half glass wall making an entryway the size of a loveseat, and a coffee table and chair (already occupied) in the back row. But I felt compelled to take her out of our row. I just grabbed her and stepped over the knees of Ryan and another person and finally down the aisle to the back. Now what!? The man sitting in the back row got out of his chair and sat on the coffee table so that I could have a chair. Sydney walked over to the small entryway and started taking umbrellas out of the holder. She brought each one to me, then clunked them back in the holder. I tried to keep her from being loud, but I had few options with none of her toys nor her water bottle in the back with me. Ryan turned around to see how we were doing, and he then brought her pacifier, water, and the baby carrier to us. As there were no seats, he went back and sat down. After a short time, I strapped Sydney in the baby carrier and went out into the cold, feeling very much like I didn't belong. As I paced the alley and street, and as Sydney fell asleep as is her custom, my mind went back to the worship service. I felt discouraged about the lack of childcare, about my struggle to catch the meaning of songs and prayer and the sermon in French even without the distraction of a child. I started doubting my ability as a mom to train my daughter to be calm and quiet in church. Then I thought that perhaps back in the service they were taking communion. Oh good. I'll miss that. I certainly don't deserve to take communion with my bad attitude today.

REWIND. I certainly don't deserve to take communion.  That stopped me abruptly, literally, as I was walking in the street. Thankfully Sydney did not awaken. But I was wide awake. Deep down, I must have been thinking that I somehow deserve forgiveness, deserve the sacrifice of the Lamb, deserve to freely take part of His body and blood. No no no. There is no one righteous, not even one. But He gave Jesus who DID nothing wrong to die for me so that when God looks at me, He does not see me in my broken condition, but He sees Jesus's body and blood, and welcomes me with open arms into His presence. Not because I deserve it, but because I'm paid for with precious stuff.

I went back into the service, Sydney sound asleep, with a renewed attitude. I took part in communion and listened to the message. The act of attending church never saves anyone, but this Sunday, the Holy Spirit used it to save me from myself, and renewed my gratitude for the One who is DESERVING.