Fear

The timing was terrible. A family member had just asked me to promise them that we would leave/not go into a situation like where the Ebola outbreak is taking place, we finalized our legal will (important prior to leaving the country), and then there came the news. It hit me like a rock. Dr. Kent Brantly, working with the Post Residency Program and World Medical Mission in Liberia had contracted Ebola from his patients. For the first time since we have been planning to go to Congo, fear rushed in, pervading my thoughts. I couldn't help but think about what his wife must be going through. It is so contagious that patients have to stay isolated, even while dying. There is no comfort there. His wife and 2 young children had left the country for a wedding the week before, thankfully. But I could not imagine being across the ocean, knowing my spouse had a 60-90% chance of dying, alone. Maybe that is what is so heartbreaking for me. I imagined him being utterly alone, bleeding internally. What an awful way to die. And his wife would not even be able to see him, touch him, talk with him. I was imagining the worst. And as a new mom myself, the emotion intensifies as I think about not being able to see Sydney again or hold her hand while she goes to sleep or kiss her still chubby cheeks as she giggles. I did not know if I could/would make that sacrifice if it had been me. I was afraid.

We traveled the next day to orientation with CMDA (Christian Medical and Dental Associations) and Samaritan's Purse/World Medical Mission, the very orientation that Kent had gone through exactly a year ago. Again, this was just hitting a little close to home. I anxiously watched the news to see if there were updates. Ryan and I prayed together a lot, and yet I still felt that fear. Vanga hospital was adjacent to the epicenter of a prior outbreak of Ebola.

At orientation, the first question we were asked to share after our names and where we came from was 'What do you fear?' That's easy! Ebola. But no, it was not Ebola necessarily that I feared. It was being ALONE and SUFFERING and sacrificing my life, my dreams, my daughter, my husband, my medical education. Our first session was on Addressing Fears. How appropriate. They started it by giving us a letter. 

Here is an excerpt:

To those preparing for the field:

By now, you know that Kent Brantly, a 2013 post resident in Liberia, has congracted Ebola from his patients. We hurt with him and his family as a body; when one part hurts, we all hurt. But this is not the first time that those called to serve God have suffered. 

We have buried our own children

We have lost friends and coworkers to violence

We have faced death, all around us, on a daily basis...

This is not a Mary Poppins life you have chosen.

But we want you to know that we would choose this life again. We would choose obedience to Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us... We would choose to see Christ's power made perfect in our weakness rather than be known for our own wisdom.

You see, the person of Jesust Christ and the abiding presence of the Holy Spirit are worth more than anything or anyone we have lost. And there is nothing--NOTHING- that can separate us from His love...

He is...

The Wonderful Counselor... Prince of Peace

There is no price that is too high. 

Welcome to the fellowship of suffering.

He is worth it.

Then we were reminded that whenever the words of the Bible tell us not to fear, there is an attribute of God which is attached. Fear not, for I am with you. Don't be afraid; I am your God and will strengthen and help you. 

It has been very encouraging to see Dr. Brantly seem to be making some improvements, and very comforting to know that he was evacuated to the US and his wife can now talk with him and be with him. But I was wrong. He was never alone. God was with him the whole time. And whether he lives or dies, NOTHING will separate him from God's love. Jesus suffered so much for us, and we did not deserve it at all. Dr. Brantly is an example of self sacrifice. I still don't know if I'm that brave, nor honestly whether I would have done the same thing. (Given, I don't treat Ebola in my specialty. However, the exposure to blood is very high and risks of blood borne diseases not to be dismissed lightly) I am grateful that we have a year of language school between now and the time we go to Congo. Maybe that is cowardice. But that is an emotion I feel at this time. We need to keep Kent and his family in our prayers. And we need to keep those still suffering in the three countries who are fighting the outbreak. The patients are all sons, daughters, wives, husbands, and so many have died already. Let them not be statistics as we pray, but let us hurt for them as we hurt for Kent and pray for a cure or at least a stop to the outbreak. Amen.