The Longest Week- Stepping Out

It’s been the hardest week of my life. I have a gift of empathy, and it is extremely hard for me to disappoint someone. Try disappointing a whole village, a whole hospital, your “family”, and closest friends for the past year. It’s awful. It’s additionally awful not because the situation was out of our control, but because we were actively taking a step of courage to be obedient to what we feel God has called us to. And that allows all sorts of doubts to creep in. The same, “Did God really say to ….?” that Eve dealt with in the Garden of Eden is whispering in my ear as we say the hardest goodbyes.

Sydney, oblivious to danger, stands atop the dirt and waves to people as they go to get water from the Source

Stepping back for a minute, here is the context. At the recommendation of our sending organization, we took a vision trip to Togo from mid-August to mid-Sept. This year has been extremely difficult for Ryan especially, trying to find a place and purpose in a location that has used tribalism, witchcraft, intimidation, and passive aggression to thwart his intentions to help the hospital run more efficiently. His talents and gifts have gone largely un- or under-utilized. For me, I have been able to work in my field of specialty in OB/GYN, have been able to teach, to make friends, to have colleagues that work well with me. It hasn’t been all roses; I’ve had my share of frustrations. But it has been nothing like what Ryan has endured at the hand of a few influential people.

Visiting the triplets born in my absence, but all named after me because I diagnosed and gave prenatal care. Jean. Jeanine. Jeanette. Here I go by my middle name, Janeen, because it is French (Jeanine) and easier to remember.

As a result of this disparity of experience, we as a couple have not been on the same page regarding our future. Thankfully, our marriage has stayed strong as we have so many outside forces opposing us. But still, our vision for what the future of our family looked like was not the same. I saw opportunities for improvement in the situation at Vanga; he saw obstacles left and right as he tried to move forward. I saw our kids being so well taken care of by Mama Lutti and Tata Mbuta; he saw the need for school options and more interaction with friends for our kids. I saw the pain of leaving; he saw the pain of staying. So we committed to praying together every day, out loud, for unity and clarity regarding our future. And so we continued throughout the months of July, then August as we saw family and friends in the US, and then Aug-Sept as we experienced a new hospital situation in Togo.

There is a time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted. A time to tear down and a time to build. A time to weep and a time to laugh. -Ecclesiastes 3

In brief, Togo was a very good experience. We both easily integrated into their hospital system, enjoyed the numerous relationships renewed from language school days, and our kids had quite a few friends to play with. Two moments in particular felt to me like they gave some direction for our future.

After a women’s bible study, one of the older women was telling someone just ahead of me in life stage (Melissa) that God WILL make things clear. We just need to be still and quiet for long enough to hear Him. In my head, I was shaking my fist. Isn’t that what we’ve been yearning for, praying for since April? And so far, it has felt anything but clear. Melissa then turned to me and we began talking about life. She said, I believe led by the Holy Spirit, that “there have been several times in my life that I have let loyalty hinder me from doing what God wants me to do.” She told me a couple of examples, one being a contract that they had to shorten because they felt strongly that God was telling them to go to Togo. It felt eerily similar to our situation. “Our loyalty needs to be to the Lord.”  I left feeling like that was a message straight from heaven, but I didn’t like it.

The next night, I was recounting this conversation to Mindy, a labor and delivery nurse who is volunteering there for 3 months. I teared up, saying, “I’m sad because I feel like that was from God. I feel like all roads are leading us away from Vanga, whether that is us going back to the US so Ryan can feel fulfilled or us coming [to Togo] to finish out our term and potentially stay long-term. What are we supposed to say to those we pushed for change? I’m not sure what to say, because things are changing, but now we might still not stay. Why were we…?” And then an overwhelming sense of peace came over me. That change needed to happen regardless of us. And God is working His Will out in Vanga. If we were only there for a year to help make that transition happen, to be a catalyst, that was still HUGE. And God cares about that goat more than I do. (This is a reference to a previous blog.) God cares about Vanga more than I do.

But the decision to move from Vanga to Togo was complicated. From the moment we left for the US, change was happening so rapidly in Vanga it was hard to keep up. The corrupt district pastor finally moved on.  The interim seems unafraid of witchcraft and proves that as he walks out in the village after a curse has been placed, proclaiming that Jesus is more powerful than the evil spirits. The hospital medical director resigned and was replaced by our partner, Dr. Tim Rice, who has a huge job in front of him to get the house in order. An internal audit was called immediately to determine the financial condition of the hospital. The staff seemed to understand the situation and were actually quite ecstatic to get their salaries only 2 weeks late instead of up to a month late. The village has stopped listening to the old village chief who was calling on them to riot to stop the changeover in administration at the hospital. The village was completely quiet, despite 2 attempts over a megaphone to call people to action. Ryan saw rebuilding from zero as a challenge which might be fulfilling to him. The needs are huge. But making a decision based on need is problematic. The reality is that most mission hospitals around the world need help. The majority don’t have the luxury of turning down scores of surgeons and medical personnel trying to come work in a resource limited setting. It was too difficult to give a final answer and we, oddly enough, needed a sort of vision trip back to Vanga to complete the loop.

Sydney learning from Mama Lutti as Zack watches.
Mama Lutti has taught Sydney colors and numbers and
how to work and cook and color and we love her dearly.

We arrived back in Vanga last week on Thursday. Indeed, a sense of peace prevailed and people seemed optimistic and very welcoming. The hospital seemed to be functioning well enough, and Ryan was invited to a meeting for planning the interim period. I stayed at home to get things in order before starting work on Monday. We enjoyed reuniting with friends and colleagues, as well as our beloved Mama Lutti and Tata Mbuta playing with and enjoying our kids. Even though we were leaning towards finishing our two-year contract with Samaritan’s Purse in Togo, maybe we would stay through December and help out with the transition, or maybe and better yet, I thought, we would find that the situation had improved enough that Ryan would feel fulfilled. I was still leaning to stay; Ryan was leaning to go. We didn’t yet have unity.

Carrying down donated baby blankets to the maternity ward.

Then Saturday evening happened. We were sitting around the table after dinner celebrating our return with the other missionaries. The discussion turned more serious as we learned that some paperwork still hasn’t been finalized for my work to continue in Congo. It is a direct result of the local political conflict here and actions not taken by administration last year at this time, and other actions taken by administration in February this year, specifically aimed at intimidation. As we talked, I realized that this news, in turn, is a threat to my ability to finish my board certification in the US this year. And time is running out. Secondly, another letter written by the village chief in the adjacent village was delivered on Saturday which was disparaging of the missionaries in general.

Turmoil within. The rest of Saturday night and Sunday were spent mulling over the options. We talked, thought, prayed, and had no inner peace. In the end, we decided to wait until Wednesday of this week to try to see how things would play out in Kinshasa. I decided to go to work as planned on Monday. I hardly slept Sunday night. Monday morning, I was exhausted as I pulled on my scrubs and white coat and started towards the hospital- my family was still asleep. As I continued down the path, I found I couldn’t continue. I had zero peace. My mind was whirling. What if something happened in the operating room while I’m in this emotional state, exhausted, in turmoil? I turned to the left on the path away from the hospital and cried as I trudged to the Rice’s house.    

Nighttime routine- reading books with Aunt Kathy after dinner

Nighttime routine- discussing really important goings-on at the hospital with Tim

I sat on their porch swing overlooking the beautiful Kwilu as the sun rose and cried. I knew I had to say yes to God that I’d follow Ryan’s lead and we would leave Vanga. Tim cried. And Kathy made a list. (If you know them, this might make you chuckle). I called Ryan and we knew what we had to do. But doing it was another thing. It took a boatload of courage that I didn’t think I had to start the process- to get past the point of no return was extremely hard. As the schedule for flights out of Vanga was limited, it was a choice to leave quickly or leave after a couple of weeks potentially. Knowing we would leave for sure, we chose to leave sooner in order to not prolong the pain.

“Be willing to act and expect God to be responsible for all the consequences that flow from obedience to His guidance.”

We made the decision to leave Monday morning, and started the painful process of telling people we were leaving. Heartbroken does not begin to describe the emotions. Congolese frequently wail when family or friends die, but many times this is to demonstrate to others that they did not put a curse on them or cause their death. But this was a different kind of sorrow. Some left the room sobbing loudly. Some had tears streaming down their face silently. Some were more stoic but then broke after a few minutes. Most, like me, were in disbelief. Why? Why now when things seem to be getting better? I cried most of the day and fitfully slept most nights from Monday-Wednesday. As I walked and went through the motions of packing on Monday, it took all my strength to keep going. Big deep breaths. Tears. Packing our life. Denial about what was happening. Hoping I could wake up and it would all be a bad dream. Seeing the looks of shock and disappointment from those I love dearly here over and over in my mind. We had only told a few by Monday night, but we finished packing late and went to bed, knowing the next days would be more emotional than physical.

One last C section with my best friend, fellow
doctor, fellow new mom, Laurene.

We told most people during a regular morning hospital meeting on Tuesday, inviting them to a going-away party of sorts that evening. I then engaged in tying up some loose ends at the hospital. I did some ultrasounds for the last time, I did a C-section with my best two friends for a final time, I saw a few patients that had been waiting for weeks for my return for follow up. It wasn’t much, but did help with closure. We swam in the Kwilu a few more times with the kids, played games with the missionaries, and focused on relationships. I cried a lot. We got on the plane on Thursday (after getting the ok from SP due to the unrest in Kinshasa it was literally “up in the air” until then). We have closure. We felt very loved on our exit. It will take time to make sense of this, the timing, the why’s, and to see how God will take care of Vanga and the loved ones and patients we left behind. Regarding our partnership with the Rices and the Congo Health Connection, it feels like when Barnabas and Paul went separate ways for the sake of the gospel, although we’ve had no conflict. For now, we and the Rices are clinging to these promises.

Playing a new card game with the missionaries- we hail from Oregon/Missouri,
Texas/Missouri, Switzerland, and Germany

“I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.” -Jeremiah 29:10-11 MSG

New Congolese outfits, made by Angele (left) that same day. Sydney has one too!

“You parents—if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead?” -Matthew 7:9 NLT

We gathered with all of our employees and their (large!) families,
as well as employees from the hospital for a small going away party.

“Brothers and sisters, we want you to know about those Christians who have died [in our case, left] so you will not be sad [in the same way] as others who have no hope [to see each other again.] 

-1 Thessalonians 4:13 NCV

Junior and Ryan, coworkers and friends

“Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” 

-Philippians 1:6 NIV

Ladies from the maternity came and sang with me our last day in Vanga. And I cried.

“So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.” -Hebrews 10:35-36 NIV

“Now then, stand still and see this great thing the Lord is about to do before your eyes!” -1 Samuel 12:16 NIV

There is no one quite like Mama Lutti

“’Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,’ says the Lord Almighty.”- Zechariah 4:6b NIV

“Jesus looked at them and said, ‘With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.’” -Matthew 19:26 NIV

The operating room team

“Do you not know? Have you not heard? Has it not been told you from the beginning? … He sits enthroned above the circle of the earth, and its people are like grasshoppers. He stretches out the heavens like a canopy, and spreads them out like a tent to live in. He brings princes to naught and reduces the rulers of this world to nothing. No sooner are they planted, no sooner are they sown, no sooner do they take root in the ground, than he blows on them and they wither, and a whirlwind sweeps them away like chaff... Why do you say [Potters], “my way is hidden from the Lord; my cause is disregarded by my God?” 

Trying to hold it together. One last "family" picture before we took off.

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary, and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” -Isaiah 40:21-31 NIV

Saying goodbye to some doctors I taught in Kinshasa who just got their results that they passed. 

Hanging out with the Spanns in Kinshasa (A MAF family we love and will miss)

He Giveth More Grace- Annie J Flint

1.       He giveth more grace when the burdens grow greater,
He sendeth more strength when the labors increase;
To added afflictions He addeth His mercy,
To multiplied trials, His multiplied peace.

2.       When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,
When we reach the end of our hoarded resources
Our Father’s full giving is only begun.

3.       Fear not that thy need shall exceed His provision,
Our God ever yearns His resources to share;
Lean hard on the arm everlasting, availing;
The Father both thee and thy load will upbear.

4.       His love has no limits, His grace has no measure,
His power no boundary known unto men;
For out of His infinite riches in Jesus
He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.

Eating cheesecake with Uncle Jonathan in Kinshasa

Enjoying kittens and Mama Katherine in Kinshasa

SBarring any new developments or flight cancellations due to unrest in Kinshasa, we will be leaving for Togo tomorrow, less than a week after we made the decision to leave. It's been the longest week, but we are stepping out in faith that God wants us to take this leap. We will trust that God will keep His promises to work out His Will in Vanga and for those we left behind, and also in our lives in our new adventure and life in Togo.