I'll be missing you [France]

It is important to grieve the loss of something, I think, even if it was foreseen and expected, and even though the process of letting go allows for greater things to happen.

In addition, I think this list will give you a glimpse into our daily lives, and a look at the small things that made our lives here in France special.

Things I will miss:

• Dropping Sydney off at the "garderie" (nursery) every morning and hearing many of the kids say, "Id-ney!" or "Nid-ney" and run towards her

Sydney is in the Spurs shirt, far right and front

• The Flute, a special bread made daily by the boulangerie closest to us. No other bread or boulangerie compared to it, and that is saying a lot here in France.

• Our tight-knit class. I never sensed a spirit of competition; rather there was a real cheering-others-on attitude. We had some amazing classmates: a couple with 25 yrs of missionary experience in Brazil learning their 3rd language, a country-music singer, 5 medical doctors, a hilarious youth pastor, a radio station dude who knew just about anything technical there is to know, mothers of up to 5 kids, a spunky adventurous single... And we are departing for 8 different countries.

Our class at the end of the year, which didn't include many students who already moved on or graduated.

• My amazing French teacher, Anne. Even though we continued to make beginner mistakes even to the end of the year, she was always encouraging (not a common French teaching trait). She loves almost anything American, and loves speaking English although she is not allowed to at the school. She enjoyed hanging out with us outside of class, and made the most amazing gateaux (cakes). 

• The 2.5 hour lunch breaks, allowing time to shop for lunch, make it, eat, and take a nap before going back to class. 
• Living in a building with 7 other families. It was like college again, only we had to wait until kids were in bed to hang out. This also allowed for proximity babysitting, where we could just ask a neighbor to listen for crying.
• The open door policy. This allowed, for instance, a situation where I had accidentally fallen asleep on the couch while "watching" Sydney, and I awoke to one of my good friends trying to quietly coax Sydney down from a precarious position on a desk upon which she was perched without waking me up. 
• Our church family

Church potluck, which in France, is by definition, at least 4 courses. You definitely don't want to be caught with cheese in the first course or with dessert before it is time, even though everything is displayed at once.

A little contemplative (or tired) at the picnic.

• Being able to hear/watch kids playing in the courtyard easily from our 3rd floor windows. When studying, it helped for me to be able to hear the laughter and fun happening around, and to be able to wave down to Sydney when she asked for me as Daddy watched her.

The littlest kids in the family building. Sydney, of course, was running around, likely eating sand or drinking from the mud puddles when I wasn't watching.

• Talking to people in the very nearby buildings. And finding out that one of the students' apartments had the advantage of being able to watch movies simultaneously with us as their windows had just the correct angle to see the back of the sheet we projected the movies on. 

• Our language partners, with whom we took bike rides, hiked and sledded in the mountains, visited a local farm, and saw each other weekly at church.

• A second language partner who taught us, again, the meaning of forgiveness, who took us skiing at his ripe age of 79, and who treated us to a wonderful meal at his country home. Sydney was able to pick wild strawberries with him.

• Cheese! The appreciation and care that the French put into their dairy products is amazing. Each cheese had a distinct flavor depending on the altitude and type of grass or flowers that the cows were eating.

• The ability to decide to go on a mile hike in the mountains after school, or to take the free bus up to go skiing if the weekend wasn't too full, or hopping on a bike and biking one of the many bike paths along the river. 

• The natural beauty that we were able to see as it changed each of the four seasons this year. Simply breathtaking!
• The local cafe owners of L'Avant Premiere who greeted us by name weekly. It was a good opportunity to speak French and relax away from school pressures. The French are extremely friendly once you get to know them, and by going weekly to the cafe, this allowed us to enter into their culture. 
• Playing soccer and volleyball on a regular basis. For Ryan, this was a year of ups and downs with initial denial of his application to play and then repeated injuries, but he was in full form at the end and even got into a French newspaper!

Ryan is the "tall white guy" as he puts it. He is in the back row, 5 from the left

• Open markets to buy very fresh produce, cheese from the cheese truck, and scarves and household goods. These markets were three times a week in various parks.

• Watching Call the Midwife every Monday night with the ladies. Some nights made us teary-eyed, some nights had us roaring with laughter, but they all brought us closer together.

Call the Midwife- a show which highlights midwifery in 1950s London

• Very cheap medical care. One particular medication costs $600-800 in the US, and I found it here for 112 Euros. Same brand. Perhaps we will be stopping by France again to stock up on malaria meds. 
• Festivals for just about anything: music, the farm, castles, Christmas, aviation, and 2 city-wide garage sales with everything from cow bells to ski equipment!

• The unique friendship of these 3 guys

Graduation!

Not a Success Story

A rare post from Ryan:

It is hard for me to write this because it is not a success story, and I am just going to be real with where I am at in this journey I am on. I feel I am in the midst of a season of waiting on God for what is next and trying to find God in the middle of what seems like a dark desert.

Life for me since leaving the US has been filled with ups and downs. I have been at the highs of being at missions training and seeing all the other passionate physicians and spouses preparing for service overseas and the excitement of finally going and getting to language school. However, that has also been contrasted with the uncertainty of my specific roll in Vanga, DRC and the unknown of having never been and experienced this place where I am going with my family for 2 years. Also, leaving so many things behind has been very hard.  I have left close deep friendships in St. Louis, a great job at a highly respected medical research laboratory, and leadership positions within the teen and young adults ministry at our church where I was respected and found great fulfillment.

With all these losses and uncertainties, I have to remind myself of the call I know I have been given by God to take a step of faith into the unknown and trust he will provide for all that I have left behind, but I am certainly challenged weekly with doubts, fears, and second guessing.

Within those challenges I find myself at present facing another new challenge of learning a language and the French culture which can provide its own form of discouragement. This is especially true for me. I feel gifted in subjects of math and science, but know I struggle in subjects like languages. Yet, God has put me here to learn a language and that for me comes with feelings of incompetence at times as I struggle to learn compared to Shannon and some of the other students. It’s this comparison though, that I have to fight against because I can truly sense that God is working on my heart in all of this, and I know he wants me to I give up my idols of wanting to be competent, successful, and well respected. Although for me right now, I am not sure how that process is working itself out in my life and what else God is up to.

The one truth that I do hold on to closely in times of uncertainty like these is Ps 119:105 “Your word is a lamp for my feet and a light for my path”.  For me the image of a lamp is something that may not provide enough light to see far down the path, but it provides enough light for my next step. I think that is what faith is all about, being willing to take the next step God has given you although you are uncertain where that next step may take you.

Skiing, Depression, and the French Alps Crash

This blog itself is bipolar. Get ready for superficial, then really deep. Just a warning...

One of our older language partners named Guy invited us to spend the day speaking French with him on the ski slopes on Saturday. This was only after we assured him that we could easily ski difficult terrain (blue/black- in France they have red trails)! I knew he enjoyed skiing when he was younger, reflecting on multiple conversations with him, but it didn't even occur to me that he might continue his ski adventures even now. But at the ripe old age of 79, he gets to ski for free!  He treated us to a wonderful day. Just 30 minutes away by car, we hopped on a gondola for a 40 minute ride up over 2600 feet to a ski resort. This wasn't just any ski resort; it was 3 Valleys, the largest ski resort in the world! And also the site of downhill skiing for the Albertville Olympics in 1992. And the site of the World Cup Finals held last weekend in downhill skiing.

The sun was out with hardly a cloud in the sky when we began. Guy joked that he had telephoned his request in to God for good weather and only hoped that someone else hadn't beat him to it (like farmers who need the rain, for instance.)

We only did the middle one of the valleys as the resort is immense and impossible to ski in one day. There are 2 glaciers that can be seen from the top of one of the peaks. In just our valley there were 3 summits. We were able to peek over to the other 2 valleys on either side of our resort during our time there.

At one side of the valley, looking at the summit on the other side (the two prominent rocks without snow)

It was breathtaking, with jagged tooth-like rocks jutting out of the summits. The ski trails meandered around the giant jutting rock formations, so we never felt in danger of falling on/off the rocks.

Disregard my closed eyes, but just look how massive those rocks are compared to the gondolas bringing people up!! They are the same two rocks seen at the summit on the picture just before this one.

Even if it took 3 lifts (chairs, poles between the legs, and gondolas) to get to the summits, the trails down were non-stop skiing all the way to the bottom with a view of the entire valley almost all the way back to Albertville!! It was an incredible day, and one where I hardly spoke a word of English.

I’d like to completely switch gears now and speak about the tragedy which occurred here in the Alps just this week and my reflections on it during our time skiing. It is full of analogy, but stick with me for a bit.

As we were descending down the valley, the sun which had shown so brilliantly that morning was hidden by clouds. In an instant, our sunshine was gone. It made me think of the recent events of the suicide plane crash just about 75 miles as the crow flies in the same Alps to the south. It seems to me that sunshine in the mountains is like the mysteriousness of depression which can come and go without much warning. A depressing thought or fear can come in, and if it invokes a chemical response (adrenaline, dopamine), it can affect a person without him or her even consciously thinking about it anymore. If not dealt with consciously (or if the situation goes unresolved), it can wreak havoc on the emotions and mood by running unconsciously in the background. Equilibrium is off.

I’m not a stranger to the effects of depression. Depression and mental illness (including suicide) have touched both Ryan and my extended families. Fellow missionaries struggle with it. I do know it is very hard to talk about; it’s embarrassing. It is not like having an illness like diabetes where there is a known cause. With mental illness, what part is a result of unfortunate past experiences? What part is a result of unresolved conflict? What part is a spiritual battle? What part is a genetic predisposition or a chemical imbalance? What part can be treated with medication, what part resolves with counseling, what resolves with prayer, what will resolve only when God redeems our broken world? Adversity is so much easier to deal with than uncertainty. Mental illness is the epitome of uncertainty.

Now back to the Alps and our lack of sun. I lamented to Guy that in the mountains, the sun comes and goes quickly. You can’t predict it easily. It just comes and goes without warning. He responded, “Oh but the sun hasn't moved. It is the clouds.” By analogy, God doesn't move either. We can hide in the shade, or clouds can blow in which are out of our control, but God is still there. We don’t need to berate ourselves and assume that, once again, we have sinned and He is displeased. Although we may move into the shade (by sinning) plenty of times, often it is clouds that blow in (out of our control- uncertainty) that block our direct view of God. We can rest in the knowledge that God is always there, even if we can’t see Him. He is our hope.

Progression in French

"Most adults do not know how to handle the humiliation of learning a new language, of having people give them confused stares, just outright laughing at them, or becoming angry because you're in their country and can't speak the language. Many people in my language school suffered from loss of identity and inferiority. These were well-educated people who had been successful in their occupations back home. Now they were learning language full-time and couldn't understand why they were having such a hard time. Being smart does not guarantee that you will find learning language easy." 

The above quote was taken from a blog about things that missionaries wished that they had known before they started. We have found this to be very true. Here is an update on our progress in French and what we are doing regularly to improve and learn! It is definitely a process.

We finished our 2nd trimester of 3 on March 13. As a part of this trimester, Ryan and I both have spoken in front of our student body of about 60 people. Ryan shared about his struggle with his ability to be efficient and earn a lot of money in the US as en engineer (with his identity being a good job) vs. venturing into an unknown job description in the middle of Africa where we ask for monetary donations and he no longer can be "efficient" (with his identity being a son of God). For my presentation, I shared about my passion for fistula patients and how important it is to look at the horizon and keep moving, trusting that God will direct individual steps. I shared one of my favorite verses: Isaiah 30:21 "Your ears will hear a voice behind you saying: this is the way, walk in it."

We have been able to go skiing as a school field trip as well as several weekends. It is not only gorgeous, but it is also a wonderful time to be immersed in the French language reading signs and speaking with other skiers on the lifts or asking for directions.

I try to go to the open markets for vegetables and fruit on a weekly or twice-weekly basis. I am playing mandolin every other week for praise and worship on Friday mornings at the school. Recently I was able to go to a French movie with some other ladies and I understood most of it!

I continue to participate in the leisure volleyball club, and Ryan has been able to play with the soccer club once more (the first time since his injury on Dec 6!). 

We try to get together for a couple of hours each week with our language partner(s) and just recently we started a medical journal club in French to discuss and learn medical terminology with one of the French doctors. 

Sydney is enjoying the interaction with other children at the school in the sandbox or riding the scooter, chasing the kitty, or playing with the balls. She just recently started going to the nursery half-time. They only speak in French to the kids, so I think this will not only be a great time of interaction with other kids during the morning, but also a good time to continue learning French.

The importance of rest

The month of March has flown by without much rest or time for reflection. It started with a week of studying hard for our week of exams. We had visitors from Friday-Monday 2 weekends in a row. Last week I had a non-stop Wednesday (normally a more relaxed day off) and then Saturday we skied all day with a language partner from church at his invitation for the last day of good skiing. Sunday night I was up late with a weekend exam. Monday, Sydney started going to the nursery half-time (meaning a change to our morning routine), our class shared a meal on Monday at noon, and then I stayed up late Monday night to prepare a devotion for class on Tuesday. Those are the details, but in essence, I had only taken 1 day of genuine rest in the past 4 weeks. And when standing in front of my class on Tuesday, dog-tired, my brain was simply a fog trying to formulate some spontaneous French conversation. Ironically, my devotion was on discouragement and dissatisfaction in full-time missions. I finally just opened the discussion up to the class because I had nothing left. I found myself discouraged about my progress in French and dissatisfied.

The devotion actually turned out well, thanks to my classmates who made it a great discussion. We talked about our expectations vs the reality and how this relates to discouragement and level of contentment. As I walked back to our house that evening, I just collapsed on the couch. I hadn't been this tired since residency ended. I glanced down at my phone and realized that I had a message from my teacher. It brought tears to my eyes. She expressed her concern for me and asked if she could do anything to help. In the busyness of all she has on her plate, she stopped to encourage me.

This lesson I am learning (in the process of, not past tense) is hard for me because I like to do everything. But as God mentions in the Bible multiple times, it is important to take a day of rest, to reflect on the goodness of God. It is important also to have time to not only keep up with today, but to look to the future and plan ahead. Many times I do just enough to get through today. This is a great survival tactic in residency and probably also on the mission field; however, if possible, it is far better to say no to some things and to spend time reflecting on what has happened and look and plan and dream of the future.

I took the advice of my teacher and relaxed that evening, slept in the next morning while Ryan took care of Sydney, and caught up on laundry and grocery shopping on our Wednesday off. Not surprisingly, my grumpy tired apathetic self has been renewed by this day of rest. Conflict and difficulties and French all look a little more manageable. And I hope to continue learning the lesson of the importance of rest as I look to the great amount of work we have to do in preparation of our move to Congo and, ultimately, the workload ahead of me as the only OB/GYN at Vanga. 

A wide open door

L to R: Ashley, Anna, Michelle, and me. We are all moving to Congo this spring/summer.

Friday, 4 of us from school and a language partner of Anna and Ashley (in pic above) walked to the train station to meet Michelle, a friend (also with Samaritan’s Purse and an OB/GYN) coming from her language school in Switzerland. On the way back, because the streets are narrow, I ended up walking only with the language partner. She asked me what things are different between the US and France. Among other things, I mentioned the rather closed and guarded lives and conversations of the French vs the openness of Americans (in general). For instance, it is VERY uncommon to speak about religion or politics in France with friends or with strangers. They also would not talk about their jobs or money unless they are with very close friends. They will talk all day about food. With food as good as it is here, I can understand their obsession with food. But matters of importance, close to their hearts, they guard. Their windows are closed, their privacy fences are closed. When a person is trusted, THEN will the French invite him or her to tea and then perhaps dinner. Many Americans, on the other hand, love to debate controversial subjects, keep the windows open, discuss their jobs and money, and neither religion nor politics is off limits among friends (even if tempered). 

We continued walking, lagging further and further behind the others on the 15 minute walk from the train station. The language partner agreed with my observation and said that she was unable to discuss politics with even her brother. “One day if I talk about politics, the next day we won’t be friends anymore,” she said. Seeing a small opening in this discussion of differences, I assured her, “You can talk to most Americans about anything. So feel free to ask questions about religion or politics or anything to your American friends here. We like to share what we are passionate about.” She responded that she was glad to know that information. “And what if I say that religion is not important to me?” I assured her, “You are still my friend. It doesn't matter what you think or say or if we disagree, we can still be friends.” She seemed to be mulling it over. “Yes I like to meet many people around the city. It doesn't matter to me what they believe.” 

OK, wide open door. I took a deep breath and willed my bumbling elementary French to be able to convey the right message. “For instance,” I began, “for me, Jesus is everything. He is my friend. He died for me. He is a true friend. He was innocent, but he died. Because he was innocent, he could pay for me and what I do wrong. When God looks at me, He does not see my sin, but He sees Jesus. Jesus will say in the end, ‘I bought her. She is my friend.’ That is why Jesus is the most important in my life.“ The language partner seemed to be taking it in. She then asked, “So what are going to do for them in Africa? What is it that you hope for?” I was very glad that she was still asking questions because it showed a genuine curiosity and not distain for the subject. I spoke about the women with childbirth injuries and the sick in Africa, and I added that we want to give them hope in something bigger than their circumstances, a friendship with Jesus, the God of the world. « Jésus est amour. Le amour de Dieu est la plus importante. »  

And with that, we were standing in the driveway at the school and parted ways. It is my hope and prayer that this language partner will ask questions of Anna and Ashley (pictured above) when she meets with them and will continue this very important discussion. It was very exciting to me for this was my first time speaking with someone about Jesus in a foreign language. It was elementary, but hopefully it was a start, and I am thankful that I had the open door in this mostly closed culture in France. 

A Visit From Friends! Part 2

We were so blessed to have a couple of our friends from St Louis come to visit us this winter! They brought us a sweet (literally and figuratively) care package from the Young Adults in our home church there, and despite the fact that all of us experienced "Napoleon's Revenge" at some point, we had a blast and received a ton of encouragement! We even got nicknames. Erica and I were named after the GI bug, "Vomiteuse"and "La Poop-aye." Ryan became the "Stroller Slayer" for nearly knocking out a woman on the subway as he sat down the the stroller slung over his shoulder, Sydney was "Madame Entropy" for her ability to immediately disorder a room, and Sam was "Mr. Here's They Go!" for his excellent narration of our epic sledding experience in Switzerland. Enjoy the pictures! This is part 2- the countryside.

Albertville

Albertville

She was loving to slide down on the snow!

And crawl through the tunnels!

Thanks for the sweet care package. We love mint oreos!

And barbeque sauce from Bodacious in our college town in Texas

Sydney got a book that she immediately read and loved.

Conflans, the medieval city on the mountainside near Albertville

Were they shorter in the 1500s?

Sydney tried to slide down anything resembling a snow hill.

A random dog came to sniff her out

Switzerland!

Only 4 hours away

A chocolate factory!

"I know you said to just smell it Dad, but I had to taste the chocolate beans. And they are kind of yucky."

No oompa loompas here.

And the best part of our tour? All-you-care-to-eat chocolate in the tasting room!

You look guilty, Ryan

The view from our apartment. The lake was covered in a cloud!

Walking to get groceries

Beautiful snow and warm sun, best of both worlds

Crammed in our little Fiat Panda with 4 sleds! Pumped!

Taking in the view from the gondola

Gondola shot with sleds

And the ladies

At the top, we hiked a short distance to the summit

Group shot at the summit

The lake still has clouds covering it

Ready to rock the sledding!

Ryan taking Sydney towards the start of the sledding trail

It was so peaceful!

Taking a break. 10 kilometers is a long way to sled!

Beautiful views along the trail

7 kilometers of non-stop sledding! (We did the top 3K twice)

This sledding requires that you be able to steer your sled around corners

Needless to say, sledding was the highlight of our time in Switzerland

Tired and walking back to the car

Grumpy tired face

And tuckered out in the car

Eating in the restaurant just below our apartment after Sydney was asleep

Scraping out the last of the cheese fondue. Sam said it was the BEST part.

Another day of fun in our tiny car

Our "not so subtle when she's tired" one laid down to sleep on the pedestrian bridge and quite liked the view from hundreds of feet above the ground, so she just kept staring through the little holes. 

Sam finally got her attention

Do these mittens make my head look small?

Having a bit of tea at the Brothers guesthouse (Ralligen)

Another view of the Brothers guesthouse

The valley going toward Lauterbrunnen

Hiking at Gimmelwald

Just a bit different than in October!

Snowball fight!

Sydney got to pet the pony

We made a couple of slides for ourselves on the mountain. Notice that Sam is still trying to get me with a snowball.

Ryan kept Sydney nice and warm for her nap during our hike

Another group shot!

We had such a good time with the Li's and were so thankful to spend time with them. What a blessing!